I recently wrote a novel called How to Successfully Kidnap Strangers. Some people have used it as a guide, others have used it to balance wobbly dinner tables. It’s about a writer who one day impulsively kidnaps a book reviewer outside of a coffee shop, in front of dozens of witnesses. This is obviously not how one would successfully go about kidnapping a stranger. My novel is more of an anti-guide. Do the opposite of what my characters do, and you might actually have a successful abduction.

But now that I’ve gotten a few kidnappings under my belt, I’ve decided to hold some auditions for those who might be interested in being my partner. Today’s audition features Gregory Bouthiette. We will be discussing the possibility of kidnapping the protagonist from his novel, The Book of Adventures.

MB: All right, Gregory, before I agree to be your partner, you’re gonna have to answer a few questions. I don’t kidnap strangers with just anybody. Well, not usually. I have a long list of potential partners awaiting my consideration, so let’s make this fast. Who the hell are you, and why should I trust you?

GB: I’m Gregory Bouthiette. And I have autism. You can always trust people with autism. It’s the law.

MB: Provide examples of your criminal past. Any jail time served? Ever jaywalk or swallow your gum even though you knew it would stay in your stomach for years until eventually hatching into a horrifying monster? I need to know this kind of stuff ahead of time.

GB: I am a master thief. I steal everything from diamonds to groceries. I even stole a guys peg leg once.

MB: Do you have any special talents? What can you bring to the table?

GB: I also make an excellent distraction for kidnap jobs. Witnesses will have no idea what’s going on when I’m talking their ears off.

MB: Whoa. That’s surprisingly clever. All right, so if you’re wanting to work with me, you must already have a target in mind. Who are we kidnapping?

GB: Actually, I’m the target.

MB: Uh…I think you need to elaborate a little here.

GB: Well, I’m the main character of a book. What’s more special than that?

MB: What, um, what kind of ransom are we looking at? Why should I help you kidnap…you?

GB: $2.70 and a pristine collection of wrestler action figures. You can loot my room afterwards, but that is the best of the lot.

MB: That’s a pretty big score. But how dangerous are you?

GB: A hammer to the head will be all you really need. I’m really not that dangerous. Remember that whole trusting autistic people thing?

MB: Okay, good point. Where should I snatch you?

GB: You can kidnap me outside of my house, that will be a good location.

MB: Right, so we have a target and a location. Now we need to discuss method. There’s many ways to kidnap a person. We could sneak up on you and throw a potato sack over your head. We could shoot you with a tranquilizer. We could order you a pizza and lace it with sleeping pills. The possibilities are endless.

GB: Just like you have to trust everyone with autism, people with autism have to trust you. You can just ask me to go with you and I will go with you.

MB: Well, that sounds easy. How long until someone notices you’re gone?

GB: My mom will notice that I’m gone first, it will take one minute for her to notice that I’m gone. I’d definitely be worried about her coming for you.

MB: Shit. I don’t like the sound of this. How could we convince her we mean business?

GB: Force me to be a backup dancer for Justin Bieber. That will show her who she’s messing with.

MB: How do you predict this hypothetical kidnapping ending?

GB: Wait, why are you kidnapping me again? This seems like a lot of work.

MB: Good point. I’m sorry for wasting your time, sir.