I recently wrote a novel called How to Successfully Kidnap Strangers. Some people have used it as a guide, others have used it to balance wobbly dinner tables. It’s about a writer who one day impulsively kidnaps a book reviewer outside of a coffee shop, in front of dozens of witnesses. This is obviously not how one would successfully go about kidnapping a stranger. My novel is more of an anti-guide. Do the opposite of what my characters do, and you might actually have a successful abduction.

But now that I’ve gotten a few kidnappings under my belt, I’ve decided to hold some auditions for those who might be interested in being my partner. Today’s audition features Mandy De Sandra. We will be discussing the possibility of kidnapping the protagonist from her truly inspiring book, Kirk Cameron & The Crocoduck of Chaos Magick.

MB: All right, Mandy, before I agree to be your partner, you’re gonna have to answer a few questions. I don’t kidnap strangers with just anybody. Well, not usually. I have a long list of potential partners awaiting my consideration, so let’s make this fast. Who the hell are you, and why should I trust you?

MDS: I am a proud worker of The Department of Labor and a Bizarro Erotica writer. My friend Stephanie says I’m the only homegirl she has that she trusts with her man. I am way prettier than her so that is a testimony to my character.

MB: Provide examples of your criminal past. Any jail time served? Ever jaywalk or swallow your gum even though you knew it would stay in your stomach for years until eventually hatching into a horrifying monster? I need to know this kind of stuff ahead of time.

MDS: At my all girls boarding school my roommate and I got caught masturbating to Mr. Belvedere. I just think male servants are hot. It was embarrassing but that was really it. I am a good girl except on the page.

MB: Do you have any special talents? What can you bring to the table?

MDS: I can make very good Ethiopian food. I had an ex-boyfriend from there (a real man, not like Trevor) and he taught me how to make the sponge bread. I can pack it up in snack packs while we follow and kidnap someone.

MB: I don’t think I’ve ever eaten Ethiopian food, so this will be quite the adventure. Cool, so if you’re wanting to work with me, you must already have a target in mind. Who are we kidnapping?

MDS: Kirk Cameron.

MB: Haha, oh boy.

MDS: Kirk has been brainwashed by the religious right and he won’t do a Growing Pains movie because of it. We need to help and save this talented genius.

MB: How much money you think we can get out of him?

MDS: Mr. Booth, this isn’t about money. This is about art.

MB: How dangerous is this guy?

MDS: I heard Kirk has taken Karate but has a weakness for cheese. We should bring some cheese from Whole Foods to distract him.

MB: What location were you thinking?

MDS: Camp Pray The Gay Away or Ray Comfort’s house.

MB: Okay, we have a target and a location. Now we need to discuss method. There’s many ways to kidnap a person. We could sneak up on him and throw a potato sack over his head. We could order him a pizza and lace it with sleeping pills. The possibilities are endless. You know this person better than anybody. How do you recommend going about this?

MDS: We say that we’re sorry for being sinners and we want to be saved. We ask him to pray with us and then we hit him over the head with a bible or one of my clear heels I bought from Frederick’s.

MB: Now that we have him, how long until someone notices he’s gone? Who’s going to be coming after him? Should I be worried?

MDS: Ray Comfort and that cast of God’s Not Dead. We should be very worried.

MB: How could we convince him we mean business?

MDS: I need you take pictures of me sitting on Kirk Cameron’s face. That the facesitting will stop only when Kirk Cameron signs a contract to make the Growing Pains movie.

MB: What do you think will happen?

MDS: I think there will be a Growing Pains movie in 2016 on Starz.

MB: Yay!