I recently wrote a novel called How to Successfully Kidnap Strangers. Some people have used it as a guide, others have used it to balance wobbly dinner tables. It’s about a writer who one day impulsively kidnaps a book reviewer outside of a coffee shop, in front of dozens of witnesses. This is obviously not how one would successfully go about kidnapping a stranger. My novel is more of an anti-guide. Do the opposite of what my characters do, and you might actually have a successful abduction.

But now that I’ve gotten a few kidnappings under my belt, I’ve decided to hold some auditions for those who might be interested in being my partner. Today’s audition features Patrick Freivald. We will be discussing the possibility of kidnapping the protagonist from his novel, Black Tide.

MB: All right, Patrick, before I agree to be your partner, you’re gonna have to answer a few questions. I don’t kidnap strangers with just anybody. Well, not usually. I have a long list of potential partners awaiting my consideration, so let’s make this fast. Who the hell are you, and why should I trust you?

PF: I’m an author, physics and robotics teacher, and beekeeper. I like long walks on the beach and cannibalism jokes. You can trust me because even if I ratted you out, nobody would believe me. Hell, nobody’s going to believe we can even do this.

MB: Provide examples of your criminal past. Any jail time served? Ever jaywalk or swallow your gum even though you knew it would stay in your stomach for years until eventually hatching into a horrifying monster? I need to know this kind of stuff ahead of time.

PF: Back in the day I did a stint in detention for doing someone else’s math homework for them. I’ve been guilty of assault a few times, but never caught. Once I took two cookies off of a plate when the host said, “You can have one.”

MB: Shit, that’s hardcore. Do you have any special talents? What can you bring to the table?

PF: Robots. Science. Engineering skills. Eating people. No, wait, that last one’s just a joke. Haha, amirite?

MB: Oh yeah, you’re totally right. Okay, so if you’re wanting to work with me, you must already have a target in mind. Who are we kidnapping?

PF: Isuji Sakura.

MB: What’s so special about her?

PF: She’s a one-woman killing machine with a history of violence on four continents. Currently working with Matt Rowley, rumor has it she’s regaining the powers she lost when ICAP went belly-up.

MB: What kind of ransom are we looking at? Are we walking away with a few hundred thousand, a million, what? Or something besides cash? What’s in it for me?

PF: At least six different nations want what she can do, and they’re willing to go through any means to get it. I mean, if the CIA, Russia, or China ain’t rich enough for you, I can always find someone else to do this.

MB: Be honest. How dangerous is this Sakura?

PF: Depends on what she’s got back. Regeneration we can deal with, but post-augmentation she was the fastest person in the world and could flip a car with her bare hands. So let’s get this straight: if we don’t catch her while she’s sleeping, we’re both going to die. I wouldn’t have come to you if this were easy.

MB: You’re a very thoughtful person, Patrick. Now what location were you thinking?

PF: For some ungodly reason they’re based out of Tennessee. She’s got an apartment in the boonies outside Nashville, lives alone, and I know a guy who knows the guy who designed the security system.

MB: Okay, we have a target and a location. Now we need to discuss method. There’s many ways to kidnap a person. We could sneak up on her and throw a potato sack over her head. We could shoot her with a tranquilizer. We could order her a pizza and lace it with sleeping pills. The possibilities are endless.

PF: You can’t drug an aug—it clears their system way too fast. Blunt force trauma to the head and then real-quick cinch her up with steel bands before she comes to. Handcuffs won’t cut it, so don’t get smart.

MB: Christ, you couldn’t have targeted someone a little less deadly? So say we actually do succeed, which seems unlikely—who’s going to be coming after her?

PF: If Rowley finds out about it he’ll come down on us like the wrath of God. Only he ain’t going to find out. If we torch the place and cover our tracks he’ll know she’s missing, but won’t know who took her. It’s all good.

MB: How could we convince them we mean business? They’re not getting Sakura back until the ransom has been delivered. Should we cut off some limbs or what? Shave a scalp, maybe? You know, once I filmed a hostage being forced to walk on a floor of legos, then sent the video to the guy’s wife. She paid up, like, immediately. What would work best for Sakura?

PF: No, you don’t mess with Augs. She gets free she’ll break us both in half, and trust me, she’s better at getting free than you are at making her react, even with Legos. We take her, keep her secured, and wait for the buyers.

MB: How do you predict this hypothetical kidnapping ending? Will it all be smooth sailing, or is there a massive gunfight in our future? I don’t mind spilling a little blood here and there, I just need to be prepared.

PF: Look, pal, if it comes to a fight you’re on your own. These people are deadly and aren’t in the habit of giving quarter. Just relax.

MB: I’m 90% sure this job will end with me dead. Let’s give it a shot.