Tag Archives: humor

In Which I Take Over the HWA Blog and Pimp Zombie Jesus

So in case you didn’t know, I recently edited an anthology for Dark Moon Books called Zombie Jesus and Other True Stories. It comes out in just over a week. To promote it I wrote a guest post on the Horror Writers Association blog today; in this post you’ll find out how to win a free, signed copy of this book. So, ya know, maybe check it out.

Also, for another chance to win a free copy, go over to the promo blog I’ve been running and leave a comment on literally any post to be entered in the drawing. Or, you could just preorder the book right now and receive a free poster of the book cover. Which I’m sure you’ll be convinced to do once you lay eyes on this beautiful bastard below:

The Customer is Always Right — Especially When They Have a Gun

While the juicy deliciousness of fast food has brought out the crazy in many of us, at least you can feel safe at night knowing it’s never influenced someone to shoot off a gun. Ha. Just kidding. It totally has.

Come on now, were you really surprised?

Hell, when it comes to fast food, the only thing that WOULD surprise me at this point is if someone ordered a Big Mac and a large fry and paid the correct amount and was given his exact order and he left happily. Now THAT would be a twist ending.

But no, we’re left to deal with the customers who will straight up shoot your ass.

Like, for example, when a mysterious white SUV pulled up to a Taco Bell drive-thru one late night expecting food, only to be turned away for a silly little reason such as the restaurant being closed. So, instead of trying his luck at the 24-hour McDonalds down the street, the driver instead opted to park in front of the restaurant and refused to budge until he was given the service he demanded. Although, I have to say he probably had better chances of survival staying parked out there than risking his luck at McDonalds. Really, Micky Ds and Taco Bell are just two chambers of the most disgusting game of Russian Roulette—one way or another it is not staying inside your body.

So, after sitting out there for a while, the manager finally decided to go give him a talking to. Of course, as soon as he opened the door, he was greeted with a sudden rain of bullets brushing past his face. Fortunately, they all missed him. Unfortunately, however, they hit the employee behind him, exploding into her leg and knocking her down to the ground. The SUV then drove off, probably because he suddenly remembered there was a Wendy’s two blocks over. Also because he didn’t want to go to jail. Oh, and he was crazy. That, too.

Speaking of Wendy’s, let’s take a look at a case that occurred back in 2007, also in Miami (COINCIDENCE!?). Our new drive-thru employee was just doing his job behind the drive-thru window when someone decided it was Let’s Be a Dickhead Day (it was actually just a regular Tuesday). A man pulled up and retrieved his order. Understandably, he asked for some chili sauce, which was given to him.

Then he asked for some more. This is when things started going downhill. Apparently, the absolute maximum amount of chili sauce per customer is three packets (as any Wendy’s aficionado surely knows), and the unknown drive-thru worker liked to pride himself as an ideal employee. The man in the car, however, did not give a shit what the policy was, and demanded more chili sauce. The manager, Renal Frage, was then called up to the window for assistance.  They bickered for a while, the customer just not understanding why on earth someone who refuse him chili sauce, and then drove away in a huff. It was not until the manager, Frage, returned to his office that he realized the customer had totally just shot him in the arm, and was now bleeding all over everywhere. He then proceeded to check his body multiple times in complete shock, forever confused at the mindset of humanity.

“I was trying to figure out while in the hospital why someone would shoot me over some chili sauce.”

Yeah, good luck there buddy. Perhaps you might want to consider uping that sauce policy to like four or five packets. Maybe even six. Just a suggestion.

Give Me Chicken Nuggets or Give Me Death

How many times have you’ve been caught sitting around, just minding your own business and behaving like any other innocent citizen would, when a deep, persistent hunger suddenly strikes full force? A seed planted long ago by tedious advertisements finally begins to grow into something a little more than just an idea—it becomes the only coherent train of thought graspable. Whatever variation of the craving you may be suffering, it’s always the same: you must have it, and at all costs necessary.

It is the only thing that matters. Everything else can wait. Baby crying? Screw it, they’ll still be crying when you return. House ablaze? Yeah, well, odds are it’ll still be on fire in a half hour, too. There is nothing that compares to satisfying this withdrawal; this longing of obesity.

So you get up, quickly leaping into your car and taking off at full speed. Red lights be damned! You have a mission to accomplish and you will not rest until you’re good and full! Pulling up to the nearest drive-thru, you frantically tap your fingers along the steeling wheel as the stupid teenager with her stupid acne behind the register tries her best to remember how to operate the window. All the while thinking that if she doesn’t take your order soon you are going to literally explode of starvation, tiny maggots of famine splattering against your windshield forever to ponder, “What if? What if?

And then, to your utter dismay, she finally remembers to slide the window open, and you are free to demand whatever it is you desire.

That is, of course, assuming it’s even on the breakfast menu, as Melodi Dushane of Toledo, Ohio, soon came to learn. You see, Melodi was craving some chicken nuggets. Real bad. But the thing is, it was still morning, and as we all know, McDonald’s is a real bitch when it comes to time restraints. Needless to say, this left her pretty distraught.

However, unlike ordering a McMuffin like the rest of us in this situation, Melodi instead went a different route: wherein she stepped out of her car and proceeded to punch the drive-thru worker repeatedly in the face.

The drive-thru girl did not back down either; first trying to rip Melodi’s hair from her scalp until finally getting the bright idea of closing the window (with the help of arriving co-workers). There was a bit of a struggle, Melodi’s hands being crushed more than once (along with the spelling of her first name being ridiculed even more times), but after a while she was at last isolated outside. After a few feeble attempts to bust the window with her elbow, Melodi returned back to her car, seemingly implying air was safe to breathe again.

But then in a twist of events like M. Night Shymalan at his worst, Melodi suddenly sprung back out of the car hurling what appeared to be a beer bottle through the drive-thru window, shattering most of it to pieces with a fierce rage unmistakably identified as a lust for poultry. Melodi concluded her fit with one last rabid punch through the now violated window, subsequently fleeing back inside her car and speeding away, where she would soon find herself facing 60 days in prison, 3 years of probation, and more than a $1,500 fine for damages.

You can watch the whole thing on video tape below:

At the end of the security video, the next car in line is rather visible as it pulls up to the shattered window, feeling a cluster of emotions that can only be defined as, “What the fuck?”

I can only imagine the drive-thru worker carrying out the next order acted like nothing out of the ordinary had happened whatsoever. Hopefully the breakfast hours were nearly at an end.

Or, you know, the next customer could have asked for chicken nuggets as well, and the cashier would have totally went mental.

The Sex Toy of Tomorrow

 

Here at RumpRage Industries we claim to be an influential company (we claim a lot of things), aiding the lonely man and/or woman since 1973. And aside from the sparse cases of dissatisfied homeless people (keep in mind we never actually verified the Rum Sucker’s capability; besides, no one really cares about homeless people, we just say we do), we have succeeded.

 

We have enlightened many generations on the fine arts that we’ve grown to love today; ever since we first brought up the age old question: why drool over Disney’s Aladdin and risk damaging your television, when you can simply just stick your penis in a real lamp?

See? We're geniuses.

It’s so simple once you think about it

Now, ladies and gentlemen, we have come forth once again with an invention so ingenious it is sure to make you explode from the mere thought of it. Explode in your pants.

For years you have watched George A. Romero movies, gasping in delight as hordes of flesh eating monsters ambushed the unsuspecting fictional public. For years you have been wondering what exactly you would do if caught up in a similar scenario. You have been daydreaming and daydreaming of the day the undead finally rises.

Also during this time, according to studies pulled right out of our asses, you have also been having lots and lots of sex with dolls.

Well, obviously we took the only logical step to progress mankind. Meaning, of course, we have merged your two favorite hobbies into one boner-inducing masterpiece.

So without further ado, let us proudly present you with … The Zombie Love Doll.

Object may appear larger (and sexier) in person

Object may appear larger (and sexier) in person

Every necrophiliac’s wet maggoty dream has come true, thanks to the beautiful minds behind the creation room of RumpRage Industries.

Now, instead of going through all the dirty work of buying shovels and digging through graveyards, you can just skip all the hassle and get straight to the boning! No longer will the fear of prison be a factor, for this toy is absolutely street legal (we think). You can buy this baby at your local Walmart even (probably not). You will never have to worry about what the neighbors think, because statistics tell us that they will most likely buy one too (they won’t).

This top of the line item is the sex toy of the future! Sure to inspire many more lovely inventions along the way. Let us please clue you in on some of these incredible features:

Voice Operative!

Now as you thrust into your undead partner, hear her moan! And moan. And croak.

Amazing realistic feel!

When you rub your hands along your new gal you’ll be sure to feel its exceptionally arousing cold rotting flesh. You can stroke her razor sharp bloody fingernails anywhere you please! Just keep in mind that they are really sharp. And we mean really sharp.

Long lasting odor!

Sealing your new love doll with the recent groundbreaking perfume, “Casket Shagger”, we have made well certain that it will seem like you’re right there in the dug-up grave with her! Finally you can violate a corpse (or a zombie, whatever) in the privacy of your own home! Or your neighbor’s home! Whatever!

Mobile Brains!

Carry these squishy foreplay beauties right in your doll’s head! Just pop open the detachable skull, place them in, and enjoy. You’ll never experience such pleasure anywhere else in your life! Bring the metaphor a reality and literally fuck her brains out!

ZombieValentine

Along with many more tasteful additions, and with the low cost of $499.99, you’re getting one helluva deal! We’re practically giving these things away. Why, you may ask? Don’t we love money? Well yes, of course we love money. But we love our customers even more. We strive to satisfy, and with this undead love-machine, we guarantee satisfaction!

 

And, uh, if you aren’t, then too bad. What are you going to do, sue us over the unsatisfactory plastic corpse you humped? Yeah, that’s what we thought.