Here at RumpRage Industries we claim to be an influential company (we claim a lot of things), aiding the lonely man and/or woman since 1973. And aside from the sparse cases of dissatisfied homeless people (keep in mind we never actually verified the Rum Sucker’s capability; besides, no one really cares about homeless people, we just say we do), we have succeeded.
We have enlightened many generations on the fine arts that we’ve grown to love today; ever since we first brought up the age old question: why drool over Disney’s Aladdin and risk damaging your television, when you can simply just stick your penis in a real lamp?
It’s so simple once you think about it
Now, ladies and gentlemen, we have come forth once again with an invention so ingenious it is sure to make you explode from the mere thought of it. Explode in your pants.
For years you have watched George A. Romero movies, gasping in delight as hordes of flesh eating monsters ambushed the unsuspecting fictional public. For years you have been wondering what exactly you would do if caught up in a similar scenario. You have been daydreaming and daydreaming of the day the undead finally rises.
Also during this time, according to studies pulled right out of our asses, you have also been having lots and lots of sex with dolls.
Well, obviously we took the only logical step to progress mankind. Meaning, of course, we have merged your two favorite hobbies into one boner-inducing masterpiece.
So without further ado, let us proudly present you with … The Zombie Love Doll.
Object may appear larger (and sexier) in person
Every necrophiliac’s wet maggoty dream has come true, thanks to the beautiful minds behind the creation room of RumpRage Industries.
Now, instead of going through all the dirty work of buying shovels and digging through graveyards, you can just skip all the hassle and get straight to the boning! No longer will the fear of prison be a factor, for this toy is absolutely street legal (we think). You can buy this baby at your local Walmart even (probably not). You will never have to worry about what the neighbors think, because statistics tell us that they will most likely buy one too (they won’t).
This top of the line item is the sex toy of the future! Sure to inspire many more lovely inventions along the way. Let us please clue you in on some of these incredible features:
Voice Operative!
Now as you thrust into your undead partner, hear her moan! And moan. And croak.
Amazing realistic feel!
When you rub your hands along your new gal you’ll be sure to feel its exceptionally arousing cold rotting flesh. You can stroke her razor sharp bloody fingernails anywhere you please! Just keep in mind that they are really sharp. And we mean really sharp.
Long lasting odor!
Sealing your new love doll with the recent groundbreaking perfume, “Casket Shagger”, we have made well certain that it will seem like you’re right there in the dug-up grave with her! Finally you can violate a corpse (or a zombie, whatever) in the privacy of your own home! Or your neighbor’s home! Whatever!
Mobile Brains!
Carry these squishy foreplay beauties right in your doll’s head! Just pop open the detachable skull, place them in, and enjoy. You’ll never experience such pleasure anywhere else in your life! Bring the metaphor a reality and literally fuck her brains out!
Along with many more tasteful additions, and with the low cost of $499.99, you’re getting one helluva deal! We’re practically giving these things away. Why, you may ask? Don’t we love money? Well yes, of course we love money. But we love our customers even more. We strive to satisfy, and with this undead love-machine, we guarantee satisfaction!
And, uh, if you aren’t, then too bad. What are you going to do, sue us over the unsatisfactory plastic corpse you humped? Yeah, that’s what we thought.
