You’re sprawled out on your couch with one hand clutching a brew and the other hand scratching your balls. The dog won’t quit violating your toes with its tongue and if that goddamn baby doesn’t shut its trap you’re going to apply duct tape. The football game you’ve been tuning in to commences to halftime so you begin to aimlessly flip through the channels until coming across one of your favorite R-rated films of all time. You kick the stupid rape dog in the face and throw some candy at the baby and prepare yourself for the inevitable hilarity that are TV-edited movies.

Here are some of the lines you may find yourself coming across:

20. The Big Lebowski

Original line: “Do you see what happens, Larry? Do you see what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass?”

Edited to: “Do you see what happens, Larry? Do you see what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps?”

19. The Usual Suspects

Original line: “Hand me the keys you fucking cocksucker”

Edited to: “Hand me the keys you fairy godmother”

18. Die Hard

Original line: “Yippie-ki-yay mothefucker!”

Edited to: “Yippie-ki-yay Mister Falcon!”

17. The Exorcist

Original line: “Your mother sucks cocks in hell!”

Edited to: “Your mother sews socks that smell!”

16. Half Baked

Original line: “Yeah, get me a box of condoms, and, what was that thing we used to eat back in the day? What was it……oh yeah, pussy.”

Edited to: “Yeah, get me a box of condoms, and, what was that thing we used to eat back in the day? What was it……oh yeah, pudding.”

15. Half Baked

Original line: “Have you ever sucked dick for weed?”

Edited to: “Have you ever sucked feet for weed?”

14. Snakes on a Plane

Original line: “I’ve had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!”

Edited to: “I’ve had it with these monkey fighting snakes on this Monday to Friday plane!”

13. Silence of the Lambs

Original line: “I’d fuck me, I’d fuck me hard.”

Edited to: “I’d marry me, I’d marry me hard.”

12. Scarface

Original line: “Where’d you get that beautiful scar, tough guy? Eating pussy?”

Edited to: “Where’d you get that beautiful scar, tough guy? Eating pineapple?”

11. Scarface

Original line: “This town is like a great big pussy waiting to get fucked.”

Edited to: “This town is like a great big chicken waiting to get plucked.”

10. Kill Bill

Original line: “My name is Buck and I like  to fuck.”

Edited to: “My name is Buck and I like to party.”

9. Ghostbusters

Original line: “The containment grid was shut down by ‘dickless’ here.”

 

Edited to: “The containment grid was shut down by ‘Wee Willie Winkie’ here.”

 

8. Bridget Jones’s Diary

 

Original line: “I’d rather have a job wiping Saddam Hussein’s arse.”

 

Edited to: “I’d rather have a job washing Saddam Hussein’s cars.”

 

7. The Breakfast Club

 

Original line: “Eat my shorts!”

 

Edited to: “Eat my socks!”

 

6. The Breakfast Club

 

Original line: “Did he give you the hot beef injection?”

 

Edited to: “Did he give you some hot love and affection?”

 

5. Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

 

Original line: “Pardon my French, but you’re an asshole!”

 

Edited to: “Pardon my French, but you’re an aardvark!”

 

4. Do the Right Thing

 

Original line: “Motherfucker!”

 

Edited to: “Mickey fickey!”

 

3. National Lampoon’s Vacation

 

Original line: “Fuck yo momma!”

 

Edited to: “Man, who do I look like, Christopher Columbo?”

 

2. Casino

 

Original line: “Fuck me? Fuck me? You motherfucker!”

 

Edited to: “Forget me? Forget you, you mother forgetter!”

 

1. Forrest Gump

Original lines: “Whoa! You just ran through a big pile of shit!”

“It happens.”

“What, shit?”

“Sometimes.”

Edited to: “Whoa! You just ran through a big old dogpile!”

“It happens.”

“What, it?”

“Sometimes.”