An Open Letter to the Dude Whose Head I Exploded

Dear headless drugstore clerk,

Let me just start off by saying that I’m sorry. I had no intention of making your head explode. Sometimes, these things happen.


You’re probably wondering why I did this to you. Well, so am I. You see, this head explosion business, it’s way beyond my control. Think of me as a fucked up superhero who hasn’t yet mastered his powers. Shit’s bound to get a bit wonky. Heads are gonna explode.

Plus, come on, let’s be honest here. You were kind of a dick. You weren’t being very cooperative, were you? I’d asked you a simple question, and you chose to be as unhelpful as possible.

Listen, I don’t know if you’ve caught on yet, but I’m not myself tonight. Shit, I don’t even know my name, so you can understand why I’d freak out when you suddenly hand me a human heart to deliver across the city. Whose heart is this? Why am I in charge of delivering it? That’s some bona fide crazy shit, dude. I don’t want to be involved in something like that.

I don’t want to have these telekinetic powers, either, but hell, as you already witnessed, I don’t have much choice in that.

I guess I don’t have much choice in anything tonight.

So yeah, it sucks your head exploded. Nobody’s denying that. But all I am saying is, maybe in the future, try not to be such an asshole, and maybe you won’t experience a full telekinetic assault from a very confused, half-naked man.

Of course, you don’t really have much of a future now, but you know what I mean. Or maybe you don’t know what I mean, considering you don’t have a head and all. Anyway, shit, that was crazy. But at least I scored some killer funny bunny slippers after everything was finished and the drugstore was burned to the ground.

Once again, I am truly sorry. I never meant to blow up your head. I will be more careful in the future.



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