The James Bond Conspiracy

One of my earliest memories is shitting my pants inside a Blockbuster Video. I don’t know how old I was. Maybe four or five. I was sick and my father dragged me inside the store while him and my brother searched for GoldenEye on VHS. I was standing in the middle of the store, knowing I was about to shit my pants, yet desperately hoping it wasn’t true, clinging on to denial, pretending I could hold it in until we got home. Then something warm started sliding down my leg, more liquid than solid.

This is one of the most horrifying memories of my childhood. It’s also the first thing I think of whenever someone mentions James Bond.

So thanks for that, Internet.

Many things were leaked from the Sony hacks. One of those leaks happened to be emails from Sony execs considering Idris Elba for the role of James Bond. Even if you don’t recognize Idris’s name, you’d definitely recognize his face.


He played Stringer from The Wire and some character in Luther, I forget which one. If you’ve seen either of these shows (or the many movies he’s been in), then it’s kind of easy to see him as the next James Bond. The dude is suave as fuck and he’s a complete badass. He is everything I want in my James Bond.

He very well may play the next Bond, but there’s really no way to tell, now is there? But maybe now that everyone already knows about the idea, and the majority of fans are making their approval loud and enthusiastic, Hollywood may decide it wouldn’t be such a risk, making James Bond black. In fact, it might be very profitable.


Of course, not everybody’s on board. You have your share of racists and bigots. You have Rush Limbaugh, who basically gets paid to be a piece of shit. He’s recently made some comments about Idris Elba possibly playing James Bond. Unsurprisingly, he’s not a fan of the idea. Also unsurprisingly, people still continue to care about what Limbaugh says. The man is a buffoon. It’s his job to be a racist asshole, so obviously that’s what he’s going to be, because we continue to let that kind of attitude rile us up. It’s profitable and he knows that.

The main argument that the racists-disguising-themselves-as-diehard-fans are making is James Bond has always been a white man; therefore, to suddenly change the color of his skin (and also not make him Scottish) would somehow damage the canon of the films and books. Under this logic, all actors who have ever played Bond should have been a) white and b) Scottish. This logic falls apart when you examine the very first person to ever portray Bond, Barry Nelson, an American actor who starred in the 1954 version of Casino Royale. White, yes, but Scottish? And shit, what about Daniel Craig? Is he Scottish? No? It’s weird, then, that Limbaugh never threw a fit about Craig. It’s almost as if he hates black people. But that would be insane, right?

James Bond is a fictional character. These books and films are fiction. The color of a character’s skin does not limit the enjoyment of its viewer unless the viewer already has issues caused from being a terrible human being. I don’t even want Idris to be the new James Bond because of his skin color. Yes, that would be a great step forward for Hollywood, that’s very true. But personally? I just think he would kick ass at the role. And if a bunch of assholes want to prevent this from happening because they can’t get over their own racism, then that’s just depressing.

“Sean Connery wasn’t the Scottish James Bond, and Daniel Craig wasn’t the blue-eyed James Bond, so if I played him, I don’t want to be called the black James Bond.” — Idris Elba

And if he is hired for the role, this will further support the James Bond fan theory I’ve always wanted to be true. I first heard about the theory a couple years ago, and I’ve always found it to be pretty brilliant. And, say, if it is true, then it adds a whole new layer of radness that already encompasses the world of James Bond.


The theory goes like this:

What if “James Bond” wasn’t a person, but a codename? What if every actor who portrayed Bond was actually a different secret agent? A different human being altogether? The codename, “James Bond”, is passed on to each new agent as the previous one retires. This explains the significant personality differences between each actor and the obvious continuity errors throughout the series. It also explains why he never ages. You can read a more in-depth write-up of the theory over at House of Geekery. They do a good, thorough job of arguing for and against the idea.

I know it’s just a fan theory, and when you hold it up and really examine the details, it doesn’t work. But dammit, I can pretend it does, and it’s this pretending that lets me enjoy Bond films even more. So fuck it. The fan theory is true, Rush Limbaugh is garbage, and Idris Elba would be a great fucking James Bond.

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