Tag Archives: customer service

The Great WiFi Conspiracy



A guest walks up to the front desk holding his computer, fuming of rage.


“Hi, sir, how can I help you?” I ask him.


He slams the laptop down on the counter, most likely cracking the bottom in the process, and shouts, “I CAN’T GET ON THE INTERNET!”


“Oh. Well … have you connected to the WiFi?”


“Of course I have!”


“Have you agreed to the terms and conditions?”


“No,” he tells me. “What does that mean?”


“Well, with our WiFi, once you’ve connected to it your browser will ask you to read and agree to our terms and conditions. Basically, you are agreeing that you won’t download anything illegal, stuff like that. It should pop up when you try to get online.”


“But that’s the thing, your goddamn Internet isn’t letting my browser come up!”


“Hmm. Can I see? I am pretty okay with computers, I might be able to help.”


He just looks at me, sighs, and pushes the shitty laptop at me. I turn it around and look at it. The first thing I notice is the wallpaper is littered with shortcut buttons to various websites. Not only that, but he has a fucking downloaded Pistol mouse cursor. I am already thinking “virus”.


I restart the computer, have him log on to his account, then I try to connect to the Internet. It spends a few minutes “connecting” then dies a tragic death. I try to think for a moment, but the man pounds his fist on the desk.


“All you fuckin’ hotels are out to get me, I swear. Last night, at the Hampton, same goddamn problem. Then again at Starbucks. Why won’t you give me your WiFi? I just want to watch a movie!”


“Sir, if you haven’t been able to connect to WiFi at ALL of those places, then I am afraid you have a virus.”


“What the hell is that?”


I hand him back the laptop. “It’s like when your computer gets sick, it can’t function properly. Since you can’t get online to download any type of system mechanic, I would advise you either do a system recovery, or consider sending it in to Geek Squad or something.”


And he just looks at me, and says, “So, how do I get to the Internet?”