Tag Archives: jay wilburn

Jay Wilburn Kidnaps His Protagonist (Whose Name Is Satchelmouth Murderman, Holy Shit, Are You Kidding Me)

I recently wrote a novel called How to Successfully Kidnap Strangers. Some people have used it as a guide, others have used it to balance wobbly dinner tables. It’s about a writer who one day impulsively kidnaps a book reviewer outside of a coffee shop, in front of dozens of witnesses. This is obviously not how one would successfully go about kidnapping a stranger. My novel is more of an anti-guide. Do the opposite of what my characters do, and you might actually have a successful abduction.

But now that I’ve gotten a few kidnappings under my belt, I’ve decided to hold some auditions for those who might be interested in being my partner. Today’s audition features Jay Wilburn. We will be discussing the possibility of kidnapping the protagonist from his novel, The Dead Song Legend Dodecology (Book 1: January).

Dead Song Book 1 final cover

MB: All right, Jay, before I agree to be your partner, you’re gonna have to answer a few questions. I don’t kidnap strangers with just anybody. Well, not usually. I have a long list of potential partners awaiting my consideration, so let’s make this fast. Who the hell are you, and why should I trust you?

JW: There was a man named Jay Wilburn. He was a good man, active in his church. He was a teacher and idealistic. One day that man had to be destroyed so that his dreams might live. I hid his body in the swamps of South Carolina, assumed his identity, quit teaching, and started writing zombie stories.

MB: That’s really rather creepy. Good. Provide examples of your criminal past. Any jail time served? Ever jaywalk or swallow your gum even though you knew it would stay in your stomach for years until eventually hatching into a horrifying monster? I need to know this kind of stuff ahead of time.

JW: Jay walking is the only way I know how to do it. I’ve been behind on my rent before. I ghost write stories. I wrote a few term papers for rich kids.

MB: Do you have any special talents? What can you bring to the table?

JW: I have practiced a little with a bow and arrow. If you need me to miss somebody, I’m your man.

jay naked

MB: I recollect a story you once wrote about shooting a teenage girl in the ass with an arrow, so this checks out. All right, so if you’re wanting to work with me, you must already have a target in mind. Who are we kidnapping?

JW: Satchelmouth Murderman.

MB: That…that sure is a name. I was going to ask you what’s so special about him, but after hearing his name I’m not sure I want to know.

JW: He’s a former minor league baseball player that starts recording music after the zombie apocalypse. The post apocalyptic travel teams are willing to pay in can goods, if we can deliver him.

MB: Wait a minute. The zombie apocalypse has happened already? Holy shit. I need to get out more. So what kind of ransom are we looking at? Are we walking away with a few hundred thousand, a million, what? Or something besides cash? What’s in it for me?

JW: We can probably get some gasoline and toothpaste, if you are being greedy—pre-apocalyptic toothpaste, so…pretty awesome.

MB: Be honest. How dangerous is a person named Satchelmouth Murderman? Probably super murderous if I had to guess.

JW: He is pretty deadly with a knife and has a special bat designed for cracking skulls without splintering. It was mainly for zombies, but it will work on living people too. His friends are willing to chase after whoever has him, so it could get dicey.

MB: What location were you thinking? The best place to abduct this Murderman with as few witnesses as possible. Is there somewhere we can get him alone?

JW: He is burying his sister back in their hometown. He’ll be off his guard, I think.

MB: Okay, we have a target and a location. Now we need to discuss method. There’s many ways to kidnap a person. We could sneak up on him and throw a potato sack over his head. We could shoot him with a tranquilizer. We could order him a pizza and lace it with sleeping pills. The possibilities are endless.

JW: I recommend going in fast. People have tried before and most of them are dead. I think maybe I should stay with the car and be sure it stays running and the air stays cold while you grab him.

Funny-Car-Picture-2

MB: That sounds awfully convenient for you, but okay. So now that we have him, how long until someone notices he’s gone? Who’s going to be coming after him? Should I be worried?

JW: Tiny Jones will know right away. Kidd Banjo will follow after that. They have been particularly murdery in the past. When you kidnap a man named Murderman, you have to expect a little trouble, right?

MB: All of those names sound absolutely insane. How could we convince them we mean business? They’re not getting Murderman back until the ransom has been delivered. Should we cut off some limbs or what? Shave a scalp, maybe? You know, once I filmed a hostage being forced to walk on a floor of legos, then sent the video to the guy’s wife. She paid up, like, immediately. What would work best for Satchelmouth? Try to be creative.

JW: He is really creeped out by zombies that are in pieces. If we put a bunch of those around him, he’ll be pretty freaked out. Tiny Jones is not cool with zombie children.

MB: How do you predict this hypothetical kidnapping ending? Will it all be smooth sailing, or is there a massive gunfight in our future? I don’t mind spilling a little blood here and there, I just need to be prepared.

JW: Almost definitely a gunfight. It will be an epic ending for anyone not in charge of keeping the car running, so you should be careful.

MB: I may need some time to come to terms with the fact that the zombie apocalypse happened without anyone telling me, and I’ll definitely need time to build up enough courage to take on someone named Murderman, but yeah, sure, what the hell, count me in. Let’s kidnap!

“High Pay Out, Low Risk, and Rules Are Stupid” by Jay Wilburn

WHY DO CRIMINALS FASCINATE US SO MUCH?

I’ve asked a number of authors I admire to answer the same question–why do criminals fascinate us so much?–and I will be posting each response here on my blog. It’s a question all writers–especially crime writers–should consider every once in a while. In my debut novel, Toxicity, I’ve dug deep into the minds of criminals. I have written about the bad guys. The ones we love but hate at the same time. If you haven’t pre-ordered a copy yet, I highly recommend you doing so for purely selfish reasons.

And now that you’ve done that, we will pass the time hearing what other writers in the industry have to say about the posed question.

Today Jay Wilburn stopped by to talk about this subject. To be honest, I didn’t ask him for his opinion. I just woke up today with an email from him that said “Post the attached document on your blog or I’ll blow up your house”. So I guess that’s what I’m doing. He also wrote, in the email: “If 50,000 people don’t buy my new horror novel, Time Eaters, I will blow up the planet. They have until tomorrow morning.”

Uh, um, well…

wilburn-duckie

“High Pay Out, Low Risk, And Rules Are Stupid”

by Jay Wilburn

I’m a fairly ethical person by nature or by repeated choice. I appear to be so on the surface by most people that pass through my life. I’m even Biblically sound by a surface evaluation. I h

ave never drunk alcohol, smoked, or used illicit drugs ever in my life. That’s impressive even to other Baptists. The Internet porn and dirty horror stories probably cancel it out, but who knows?

After a few traumatic incidents peppered throughout my life, I spent a little time in therapy. Without going into too much detail, my therapist proposed the theory that I had a highly functioning borderline personality disorder. He even went so far as to say that the terms psychopath and sociopath are not really used that often anymore. I score borderline on all those quick evaluations for those personality issues.

I apparently have used my personal fundamentalist interpretation of the Bible as a code of rules and ethics to keep myself out of trouble. It turns out this is more of an intellectual practice for me than it is a feeling of doing what is right or wrong. If my former therapist was right, it would be very easy for me to flip a switch and do wrong. I suppose that is true of everyone in degrees.

I think about turning criminal a lot. I’m no great fan of authority or government involvement. I have heavy libertarian tendencies, but I also have a darkness in me that wants to see the system collapse. I’m too lazy to turn anarchist or revolutionary, but I have an intellectual curiosity about disorder.

I spend a lot of time thinking about getting away with crimes and these thought experiments lead to stories. Part of it is just the thrill of living outside of rules that bind others. Some of it comes from the possibility of getting money that will provide the lifestyle we want or dream of having.

The trick is having a crime that provides high pay out for low risk. The truth is that most criminals are willing to take higher risk and sometimes for lower pay out than many would risk from the world of rule followers. If we look on criminal achievement with disdain or even jealousy, we must remember that we don’t do what they do so we don’t get what they get.

When we read about a Mexican drug lord conquering Chicago and the entire Midwest, a part of us wants to twist the storyline into an antihero that beat the system. We despise the man and everything he stands for, of course, but we picture ourselves being part of a world that far outside the rules with everything that might come with those possibilities.

One has to wonder. But when you are done wondering, remember to behave yourself.

Join me this weekend at LoneStarCon (WorldCon)

Throughout this Labor Day weekend I will be attending Worldcon right here in San Antonio. Notable guests include Ellen Datlow and Joe Lansdale, among many others. This Worldcon will mark Perpetual Motion Machine Publishing’s very first vendor table, and we couldn’t be more thrilled. We even have two of our authors, Jay Wilburn (Time Eaters) and Sue Lange (The Perpetual Motion Club) down here helping us sell books.

The convention actually started yesterday, but it was mostly spent setting up shop. Today (Friday) the convention really should get rolling, and I hope to see a lot of you there. If so, please make sure to come up to the PMMP table. If you mention this blog post, I’ll give you a discount on any book of your choosing.

 

Now Available: SHIFTERS!

Shifters: a Charity Anthology from Hazardous Press has just been released in both paperback and kindle. It features cover art by Glenn Chadbourne, back cover art by Diana Whiley, interior illustrations by Kris Freestone and Leia Napier. All  proceeds from this anthology will benefit the American Humane Association’s Red Star Rescue Team, which provides disaster response services for pets and domestic animals.

My story, “I’ll Be a Good Boy”, can be found inside, along with many other wonderful writers. Check out below for the full ToC.

“El Diablo de Punta Obispo” by Aaron Gudmunson

“16B” by David Wellington

“The First” by Kris Freestone

“These Parts” by Beryl Knight

“Cruel Moon” by D. Alexander Ward

“Out with a Whimper” by Doug Murano

“A Small Matter of Transmutation” by Adam Millard

“For Your Own Good” by Lisamarie Lamb

“Thicker than Water” by Steve Voelker

“Prey” by Jay Wilburn

“I’ll Be a Good Boy” by Max Booth III

“Rey-Ursal” by Chantal Boudreau

“Moon Dance” by Dana Wright

“Hooray for Boners!” by Mandy DeGeit

“Fucking the Dog” by Mandy DeGeit

“The End of the Trail” by Brent Nichols

“Growing Pains” by Lori Michelle

“Collision” by Cameron Suey

“Coyote Moon” by Rie Sheridan Rose

“Wolfsbane” by Dawn Napier

“Your Guide to Living with Were-Koalas” by Jen White

“One Bottle, No Label” by Christian A. Larsen

“The Selkie’s Child” by Cameron Johnston

“Spiritwalker” by Tara Fox Hall

“Huskies” by E.L. Kemper

“Night of the Hunter” by Kris Freestone

“Fog” by Amanda Pillar

“Wallflowers” by Jonah Buck

“Shed” by Emma Whitehall

“Dumpster Diving” by Christine Morgan

“Among the Animals” by Susannah Carlson

“Coming of Age” by Rose Blackthorn

“Slaughter Moon” by Terry Alexander

“Nurture” by Jay Wilburn

“Honeysuckle” by Robin Deffendall

“Slither and Squeeze” by Tracie McBride

“The Ring” by Matthew Wilson

“Schism” by Dane Hatchell

“The Cage” by Erzabet Bishop

BUY SHIFTERS ON AMAZON HERE

 

Zombies Need Love, Too Is Now Available

 

In August 2011, I created a FaceBook group to discuss the possibilities of an anthology featuring “love among zombies” as the central theme to each story. The idea came to fruition after Jay Wilburn, someone I barely knew at the time (he is now one of my best friends in the writing industry–go figure), casually remarked that he was currently working on a zombie book that would cover some taboo areas. Obviously I accused him of writing about zombies shagging. I mean, what else could I say, right? This, of course, sparked much musing between a few of us (myself, Jay, Jennifer Word, Craig Garrett, and Axel Howerton), who began to seriously debate setting up such an anthology. Slowly we began to think of guidelines and invite friends to submit to this crazy, whackjob of a book. And what do you know? We actually got some really friggin’ good stories in.

This was in August 2011. A lot has happened since then. Zombies Need Love, Too has been in developmental hell of the worst sort. It has gone through four different cover artists. Four! There came a point when I thought I’d never find the right art. Then I came upon the absolutely wonderful April Guadiana, and she salvaged the project with her crazy drawings. Seriously. Look at this cover. It is the only art I could ever have imagined being appropriate for this nutty anthology of zombie love.

 

Makes you want to just whip your cash at me, doesn’t it? Of course it does! Whip away! Whip away!

Let’s be real here, though. This book exists not because of myself, but because of the extremely talented authors and artists who helped craft this thing together. I started this book a long time ago, when I was very new to the business and wasn’t exactly sure what the hell I was doing. You all took a chance with me, and I will forever appreciate this. I love you all. You fucking rock my stripey socks off. The lot of you.

NOW LET’S START THE ZOMBIE SHAGGING.

oh dear lord help me…