Many of you have read recent reports that author Melissa Foster (among many others) purchased fake Amazon reviews on the website fiverr.com. These reports were made on an anonymous blog with no more than 7 posts already published. Without any doubt, we have all believed this to be true, because hey, why not.

Well, constant readers, you will be excited to know that I actually tracked down the writer for that blog, and Fiverr Report agreed to tell us, right here on my own blog, the latest author to succumb to the hellfire of fiverr.com. You’ll never guess who it is, either–unless, of course, you’ve already read the title of this blog post, which I have to assume you’ve done.

So, okay, right. It’s Stephen King.

I know! I was as surprised as you. I told Fiverr Report that they had to be shitting me. Fiverr Report then went on to tell me that nobody was, in fact, shitting me.

Evidently, Stephen King was a bit nervous about his latest novel release, and thought it best to buy a few hundred reviews from fiverr.com just in case something went wrong. As you can see now, there’s only about 50 reviews up on the book–they are all legit (presumably). I’ve been told it takes some time for the fake reviews to start rolling in, but we should all expect them soon.

Fiverr Report also revealed something else odd. King apparently requested that he be allowed to write “at least 150 of the reviews” himself. They were all already written before King even contacted fiverr.com. The reviews were mailed to the company’s P.O box, a dirty rubber band confining the pages together. Fiverr Report went on to mention that there were suspicious bloody fingerprints throughout the individual reviews–and, every instance of the words DOCTOR SLEEP, one could spot the words ODD THOMAS below, sloppily scratched out.

Well, constant readers, you aren’t the only ones doubting these latest reports. After my meeting with Fiverr Report, I felt obligated to continue the investigation and tracked down King himself. He is surprisingly easy to find, if you’re not afraid of prison. And if you’re familiar with my past, then you’ll already know that no such place can hold me for long, anyway.

Fortunately, I was wise enough to bring a tape recorder to our meeting. So, dear readers, I now give you our conversation, verbatim:

King: What the hell? Who are you? How did you get into my bathroom?

Booth: We could spend all day talking about how I get into people’s bathrooms. No answer is going to satisfy you.

King: What do you WANT?

Booth: I came here for the truth. I know what you did.

King: Oh my God, you found the body.

Booth: I…wait, what? No. What body?

King: Uh…nothing. There’s no body. Why are you talking about bodies? [nervous laughter]

Booth: I’m here about fiverr dot com. I’ve been told by a possibly reliable source that you’ve purchased fake reviews from them to promote Doctor Sleep.

King: Doctor Sleep? What? You mean that new Stephen King novel?

Booth: Don’t play stupid with me, Steve!

King: I’m not playing! Why did you call me Steve? Who the hell do you think you’re talking to? My name is Marvin.

Booth: [laughs] Nice try. I know all about your scheme, mister man. Now confess!

King: You’re crazy. I am calling the police.

There was then a brief struggle as King jumped off the toilet and ran, pants around his ankles, through the house. Just as he found his cell phone, I managed to leap on top of him and briefly knock him out with a nearby vase. At least I assume it was briefly. Truth be told, I left the house almost immediately afterward.

I’ll give it a few more days to make sure the heat is clear, then I’ll pay ol’ Steve a visit again and hopefully we can straighten all this out. Until then, here is a book about our impending deaths (and also pie).